Friday night I met my friend for a drink and some food in downtown Hendersonville, NC—a small quaint town, which I love. There we are, bellied up to the bar, chatting about the usual things: blogging, social media posts, work, what have you when I finally get around to a comment that was on a recent blog of mine.

A man’s response to my article said that “guys see things differently”—that it’s all just numbers.

I get that—you walk into a bar, you ask someone if they’re interested, they say no and you move on to the next. Just numbers. Now I love this because it makes me think and that’s when conversation starts.

So then why is it you message someone, they message back, you respond and then…nothing. That’s like me meeting you in a bar. I say hello and offer to buy you a drink, you respond with a smile and say yes, that would be nice. I buy you a drink and when I turn around to give it to you, you’ve disappeared. What the heck does that mean? You’re already on to the next number? Why show the initial interest if it’s just a no to begin with?

This is what I don’t understand, why can’t people just be straight with each other? Like catfishing—what do they really get out of that? Do they just enjoy hurting people?

I often hear there are many men who are married and they’re on dating sites telling women they’re single. And I believe this is true, because I’ve even dated one, who checked the “divorced” box on his profile and told me he was single. And I’m sure there’s married women out there doing the same. But for the truly single people who are on there looking for love—why mess with them? Why lie to them? Why hurt them?

There are plenty of men and women not interested in attachments, simple NSA fun as they say. If it’s all just numbers, then you’ll find a guy or gal who matches with what it is you’re truly after. I see is no need to lie about your age, your height, your marital status, etc.

We discussed this with no real answers, just a lot of head shaking, laughter and sipping our ciders. But it reminded me of another Friday chat.

I had a Match date a few years back when I was 46. The pic of the guy showed him at 63. Okay, a bit older than what I thought I was looking for at the time, but the profile was nice, meaning it was filled in and we seemed to have some things in common. I met him at our local coffee shop in Hendersonville and his hair was snow white and he walked with a stoop—so not what was pictured of the robust man with sandy brown hair in the profile. Yowza, okay, but I wanted coffee and I’m curious about why he lied, so I sit down with him and chat.

I ask him how old I look, and he says 32, now I would have argued more like 38 back then, but okay 32, that’s a VERY big compliment. Thank you very much. So here I am 32 and you look and are in fact 73, old enough to be my father but you’re telling me all about the ways an older man is better because you’re more mature, you’ve been around the block, and you’ll die in 10 years and basically leave me all your stuff.

Okay, so this is just a little bit insulting because basically you’re saying that I should date you because you have money and that’s what I’m after so if I just put up with you for 10 years , you’ll die and I’ll be a wealthy woman and then I’ll be back right where I started from looking for another man but I’ll be wealthy so that makes it all worthwhile. Okay thank you very much, no.

(Now if I had been down on myself, less confident in who I am and what I want, I might have fallen for this, but I value myself and you should value yourself. Set your expectations and do NOT falter. And if you need a little help in setting your expectations, then I invite you to read my expectations post.)

But we finally got to the crux of it because he said women lie as well. He met plenty of women who said they were my age or a bit older and then turned out to be 10 years older, so he figured I was lying, and we would meet somewhere in the middle. And I’ve heard this from other dates, so I also know this to be true. Women lie too. Okay, yes, but I didn’t lie.

How can you start a relationship with a lie? Why can’t we just put our preferences out there, and be done with it? Especially if it’s all just numbers.

I mean come on just put it out there be real tell the truth and maybe you’ll get what you’re looking for, okay, instead of telling a lie and then being disappointed when you don’t get what you’re looking for.

So, in my need to understand this, I Googled “Why do people lie?” Yowza, 1,300,000,000 results came back. I scrolled through the first ten—doctors, psychologists, science, health all chiming in.

You can listen to the full Talk here.

The wonderful article on Cleverism by Martin, which this TEDTalk was part of, said we could be lied to more than others due to own very own personality. Now I see myself as a number 2—I have character and integrity and it matters to me to be honest—possibly even a number 3, that I attract liars. Who knows…?

What’s the answer?

“It’s always best, to be honest. It makes any and every relationship strong and healthy.”

Meyer’s answer was to look and listen, be more explicit with what you say and even call out a liar, seek truth, which is what I try to do in my daily life. It’s what I’m doing here, hopefully, why you’ve joined me. You also want truth.

Let’s keep the conversation rolling. Thanks for reading my blog. Be sure to comment below and follow me on social media. Let’s seek truth together.