I bet you’re thinking, why am I still single? It must be me, yes, I’m at fault somehow. It’s a frustrating thought and maybe others can commiserate.

Why do we always look for fault? Something or someone to blame?

So, there you are, single again, questioning how you got there. Perhaps you’re happy in your singlehood. You don’t need a man (or woman) to complete you. You’re happy in your individuality with no one to answer to, free to do whatever you choose (to a certain extent 😊).

Yet, if you’re like me, there’s a niggling background voice that says you’d be happier with someone to come home to, someone to share your life with, arms that hold you close, a feeling that someone else in the world loves you and has your interests foremost in mind, someone who prizes your happiness above their own. (Yes, yes, I know, I’m reaching but this is what we truly want, what we truly search for in a significant other relationship.)

Isn’t this what many of us had when we were children—a mom who put us first above everything else? Why can’t we have it in our relationships?

What’s wrong with just wanting what I want? What you want? Why do we need to settle for anything less?

Throughout history, men and women have settled for things they truly don’t want. In its simplest form, it is something that happens every day. I go in to an ice cream store wanting pistachio, but they don’t have it, and yet since I’m there, I’ll settle for chocolate chip mint. It’s not the flavor I truly wanted but, oh well, I still got ice cream.

You want your spouse to take out the trash in the morning, but he/she got up late and then hurried to get ready for work and forgot it as they rushed out the door. This of course creates tension, you’re a bit miffed, perhaps a lot miffed, which may or may not lead into an argument later or it’s just this black cloud that hangs over you all day, affecting everything that you do and everyone else you talk to.

You expected your spouse to take out the trash and they did not. I expected the ice cream store to have pistachio ice cream and they did not. Our expectations went unmet, which is a leading cause of divorce. (In another blog—stay tuned—I talk about setting expectations.)

Did you know that statistics say 50 percent of marriages end in divorce with the typical marriage lasting only 7 years? (Why do they say seven is a lucky number?)

And, often, one partner blames the other. So I thought to myself: Why must there be blame? As often happens with me, one thought leads to another, and instead of assigning blame, I wondered what about me—my life, my goals, my ideals—perhaps holds me back from finding that perfect one for me? It’s not about blame—it’s about finding strengths and weaknesses, knowledge to comprehend a different answer. A more positive answer.

So, I scoured the Internet for Self-Assessment questionnaires. You know the first thing that pops up is PCI Compliance questionnaires for merchants and banks? Who knew? Okay so I deleted questionnaire and Wikipedia was kind enough to give me the definition, followed by links for exactly what I wanted: tools to learn about myself.

Now I think Oprah is the bomb, a true feminine phenom, so when an old link came up with her quiz, well, I just had to take it.

It was a quick 28 questions with 7 personality types at the end. I was not surprised by my personality type: Striving to be knowledgeable. I am forever learning. I believe that once we stop learning and growing, we die. And I am forever asking questions, trying to get to or understand the why of something.

It’s funny that the thing to watch out for, according to this assessment, was that I can often come across as smug or arrogant. Yes! I know I have been perceived this way sometimes and it saddens me because it truly isn’t what I am about. People have said I have an air about me—now this can be good and bad. As the optimist, I tend only to see the good. That air is confidence. I am intelligent, and I like to say with above-average intelligence. I grew up in the city—so I have street smarts as well as book smarts. And I am constantly pushing myself. I’m learning Italian. I’m researching a different culture. I’m stretching myself with this blog, sharing my thoughts with the hopes they may help others. I know it is helping me—getting all this angst out with the hopes of creating dialogue. I want to know what others think. I want to understand how others think.

Men are still an unknown to me. I once watched a clip about men’s brains vs women’s brains. OMG, I laughed my ass off, but I also knew Pastor Mark Gungor was completely right. And it was the guy’s perspective—brilliant.

Now I don’t follow organized religion, but Pastor Gungor has a lot to say about marriage and he is one person I’d like to see and hear in future. And the assessment did bring to the forefront a tendency of mine that I need to address—it said family and friends were important to me but that I “don’t need to spend hours engaging with them.” Now this is true, I can be a little remiss in keeping friends and family close, and they mean the world to me. I’d give up all my things before I’d give up my friends and family. So I need to engage more with them, let them know I care about them, think about them, and want the best for them.

Will this help me find a significant other? Doubtful, but what I learned about myself did relieve some of the angst. It gave me something to work on, food for thought as they say. So, “Take the quiz” and share with us your personality type and what surprised you about it. You too may find something more to “engage” in—be it within yourself or those around you. Put yourself out there. And stop settling. This, I believe, will get you to what and hopefully who you want. Till next time on Fifty and Frustrated… stay heartened.