Did you know everyone has expectations in relationships? You get married and you expect your husband/wife to be loyal/faithful to you alone. Or you expect someone to do what they say they’re going to do when they say it. But not all expectations are the right expectations.

For instance, never expect to change him/her to your way of thinking or doing something. Everyone is their own person and making someone into the mold of what you want can never work for the long-term, resentment will build. You can only change you. And even that takes an enormous amount of effort.

Everyone needs a bit of relationship advice now and again, so, in a discussion with a friend who asked if I had expectations for a relationship, I immediately thought no. Yet, on further reflection, yes, I have expectations, many of them are not in the forefront of my mind, but they unconsciously control my decisions in who I chat with online and choose to meet.

Are your expectations unknown?

A better question might be: Are your expectations realistic?

So, here’s a list of 12 things you should expect in your relationships. (Yep, I like to go outside the norm. Break the box, people!)

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Some may say 12 is a lot, but I believe we all have the same expectations in varying degrees. We just haven’t spelled them out yet. Let me do that for you’re here….

Twelve things that I believe every relationship should realistically have. Now, how do I know these things? Truthfully? It’s trial and error (and a ton of research), but it also answers the question of why I’m still single. (Yep, I worked on that one too.) And, no, I’m not a psychologist. I’m not a doctor of any field (I did almost go for a PhD in English Literature but that’s another story).

What I am is a life learner. And throughout life I continue to grow and learn and gain wisdom. I like to think of myself as a mediator. I have always been able to see both sides to any issue and I tend to help couples/singles see the other side of an argument/issue.

Don’t know why I can’t do this in my own relationships. Well, yes, I do. Sometimes when you’re in the thick of something, emotions and feelings are involved, and you just can’t see outside of that. Do you know what I mean?

Thus, most counselors tend to be good at their jobs. There’s no emotion behind it. They are not a combatant in the argument. They are the outsider looking in. They do not pick a side. To borrow a much-used aphorism: They have no skin in the game. Thus, it’s all analytics.

Think: left-brained or right-brained. Everyone is both, but one side dominates. A left-brained person is more analytical and methodical (they pay attention to details and are ruled by logic), while a right-brained person is more creative (they use emotion and imagination—they are deemed expressive). Now of course this is all been debunked as myth—both sides of the brain work together, communicating with each other.

Okay, but my analytical side debates—don’t make me list all the reasons why—and argues successfully and says it dominates the right side. And I must agree.

I expect to be treated with kindness, love, affection and above all respect. I do NOT expect emotional or physical abuse. And I expect loyalty and fidelity. I think some misconstrue these two words, thinking they are the same. To me they have distinct differences—fidelity often coincides with faithfulness, many think along the lines of sex—they want their partner to be faithful to them and them alone. (This I expect as well—if I do not want only you then I chose the wrong partner.)

Okay, enough of the rant. Now, back to the list.

List of 12 Expectations for Your Relationships

1. I expect honesty in a relationship. I expect people to be honest with me, be who they say and do what they say they’re going to do. I do not expect a perfect relationship—I will argue with my partner and him with me. I expect conflict. Two people cannot be perfectly attuned in every way—it is the compromise you make in arguing to hopefully reach a resolution and understanding.
2. I expect loyalty. Loyalty to me means being there for you emotionally and physically. Loyalty means empathy and affirmation. Loyalty means I am always on your side no matter what.
3. I expect communication. This so doesn’t mean I talk and you listen, or vice versa. Communication needs both people and it also involves active listening.

4. I expect chemistry—if you do not want your partner, then why be with them? And I mean this physically and mentally.
5. I expect commitment. This is very hard for some and I respect that, but this is also where communication comes in. Communicate your desires to the person you start to date—if they do not mesh, then you know to move on before things go further and someone gets hurt. Many are in the lifestyle of having more than one sexual partner—if that is your gig, say so. Be with the one who wants what you want.
6. I expect respect. This is about self-worth: value yourself and others will value you. If not, then be strong and walk away, that is not the person for you.
7. I expect compromise. There will be arguments. Accept that but know that it’s not about giving in or standing your ground, it’s both of you reaching a mutually agreeable state where you’ve been heard and acknowledged.
8. I expect happiness. Okay, yes, I know, we are not going to be happy every day, but the happy days should outweigh the unhappy days.
9. I expect trust, which for women may coincide with safety. I want to feel safe in a relationship, secure in the knowledge that you have my back and I have yours. And if you do not trust the one you are with, then you will always feel insecure.

10. Independence. You will not have the same hobbies, which should be fine. You need time to yourself or with friends. He may be into hunting or shooting the sh*t over brews with the guys. Respect the time that each of you needs apart from the other. Always be you.
11. Partnership. You are both in this together, so make sure you make decisions together.
12. I expect follow-through. Do what you say you’re going to do. Even if it’s just saying, “I’ll give you a call later this evening.” You’ve set up an expectation and if you don’t follow through, I’m disappointed.

Not everyone will agree with this last one, and I could be wrong, but a friend once said, “You teach people the way you want to be treated.” So, if I let things like this go, then that’s the norm, while the hurt and disappointment builds inside, because I never let it out.

To me, number 12 is HUGE. It’s that one that I look for in any beginning relationship. I’ll give you an example, because I had a recent guy who I was interested in text me that he would call and then didn’t. Should I have called him? No. He set the expectation and I waited for it to be fulfilled. Did I nudge him the next day? Of course, I did. This goes to number 3: communication. I believe in letting people know when something bothers me.

“Good morning. I gotta say I’m a little disappointed. I expected a call last night that never came.”

And then I waited. It took a while, but he answered.

“I was tired after a day at work…”

Blah blah blah. Yeah, I can be a bit harsh, but I stopped hearing him after that because it’s just an excuse and goes back to number 1: be honest. I would have respected him so much more if he just apologized and said it slipped his mind.

Let these twelve things be your guide in setting your own expectations. Define what each one means to you personally. Do this today. It will help you see your relationships and yourself in a clearer light.

And I caution you to never lower your expectations because that sets you up to be disappointed. Don’t lose sight or what you want or what you seek in a relationship. Be proud that you’ve set high expectations. Place value on yourself and others will place value on you.

Anything less than this and you sell yourself short. Another great idiom. Never underappreciate. You are worth more. And you deserve only the best. Believe that, don’t be ashamed of your expectations or lower them for someone. That person doesn’t deserve you. Wait for that one person who does. They will come. If I believe nothing else, I believe that.

I thank you for reading Fifty and Frustrated. Until next time. Stay true to yourself.